I thought I’d go out on a limb and try a pretty personal update on our blog here since our day-to-day dramas aren't quite novel material. Sorry it ended up kind of long, you can stop reading if you get bored.
Tonight I had my quarterly break down entitled “What in the world am I doing with my life?” Our breakdowns in this house seem to cycle: tonight’s breakdown (whose timing is often determined by tricks of biology) will be followed in several weeks by Danny’s “Will I be able to support our family” crisis and then comes my “I hate shopping” rant which will likely be followed a few weeks later by Danny’s seasonal panic (this is usually the most financially taxing breakdown)—a few months ago was a nasty case of spring fever that resulted in a few bikes, followed quickly by summer heat panic that got us a fan. The next one is my personal favorite—the winter cold attack, which inevitably leads to 1-3 coats each episode. You’d be amazed at the wide variety of cold weather that each requires its own very specific type of layers (yes, plural). Anyway you get the point.
Tonight’s breakdown was a favorite that I’m sure none of you ever have because everyone else is very secure about where they are going in life and how their future will pan out and they are completely confident that they will do great things and change the world, but I sometimes lose touch and wonder what in the world I am doing.
This particular breakdown has several resolutions. Most commonly we get bored of the topic and drop it because it seems like a déjà vu conversation. Once or twice it has ended with us both depressed because I have rubbed off on Danny and made him start wondering what in the world he’s doing with his life. Usually, if nothing else, it serves as necessary catharsis and drains me of a backup of tears that needed some sort of outlet and I feel better the next morning. But occasionally we have a lucky night and we actually hit on something profound and feel like perhaps there has been a bit of divine inspiration involved. I am then left feeling like I need to write before I can sleep, which then leads to me sitting under a lamp in the middle of the night with my mac on my lap. Now you are with me.
Now you want to know our profound insights I bet—well they are always quite small—so don’t expect much. If we got too complete a solution our cycle of life would be completely thrown off kilter. Tonight it all started as I realized that really I am a very selfish person that really just wants to be famous and on TV and important—with a fancy office and people paying for me to fly places and fancy office clothes etc. I want awards and recognition and promotions and trophies and lets face it—mothering does not offer that kind of future. And you know—I think I’m pretty cool and smart and I could probably be a pretty successful person in the real world (Danny pointed out that TV might be pushing it—but you get the idea). After all I was Multiplication Table Around the World Champion in 4th grade, I got A’s on all sorts of college papers and tests, and I even have a tennis trophy (I could go on). But what I realized was that ironically it is those kinds of awards and recognition in the past that often leave me feeling empty and wondering what I’m doing with my life now. It’s like an addiction where you need more and bigger and better to stay satisfied and fulfilled. In contrast, experiences that involve people and relationships, such as my amazing family in Russia or experiences I had on my mission, continually feed me and build me. They present an entirely sustainable type of satisfaction that is self-contained and requires no external acknowledgment or upkeep. I think that being parents, as thankless and void of tangible rewards as it is (I mean--no limo rides, no pricey restaurants on the office, heck we have to provide the employer with health care benefits), provides that kind of more profound fulfillment.
There you go, I learned something we all knew—worldly acclaim is fleeting and highly overrated—love is all you need. I think we all hit a point (maybe several times in a lifetime) when we are left without any external recognition and fancy awards and we have to decide what we’re doing it all for anyway. I think Dr. Suess said it best (look at the kind of references I use now—you can tell what my favorite reading is these days):
You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed.
You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don’t
Because, sometimes, you won’t
I’m sorry to say so
But, sadly it’s true
That Bang-ups
And Hang-ups
Can happen to you
You can get all hung up
In a prickly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You’ll be left in a lurch…
No!
That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape
All that waiting and staying.
You’ll find the bright places
Where Boom Bands are playing.
…you get the point. You’ve read the book.
So, there is another example of the resolution to this breakdown—it’s the non-resolution resolution (a favorite) where I am thrown slightly off target learning something that makes me see things a little differently. But then when I think about it I’m still left wondering what I am doing with myself, which, phew, leaves us open for another installment of the ongoing discussion. Stay tuned.
Note: Beware of drawing any larger conclusions from these musings, seeing that it is 2:00 in the morning and this is not a really well thought out or conclusive analysis of life or anything for that matter. It is just an (hopefully not didactic) observation that endorses no lifestyle, product, career, or otherwise. And, hopefully I don’t sound like a big complainer, unless lamenting the realization that I most likely will never be a famous movie star is complaining. Unfortunately this realization is probably a necessary developmental step for all of us.
1 comment:
I'd watch you on TV, jen. Except if you were on a reality TV show. Then I might think twice.
I think people tend to lie a lot about knowing what theyre doing in life. So much of our conversation never goes beyond the small talk high-school reunion phase, where the only responses are "oh nothing," (translation: I dont feel like telling you) or a concrete resume summary that makes everyone sound like SuperAchiever on the road to greatness and life satisfaction (although, no matter what the list of accomplishments given, the questioner always responds, "oh sounds cool, but what are you going to do with that?" I dont think this ever gets better; I can imagine that if you secured a super high paying job as President of the World, when you told people, they would say, "Huh, cool, but have you thought about retirement? And plus, I hear Mars is where the real growth is at.")
Anywho, lifes crazy, Ive given up trying to plan it out- Ive learned through experience that things can come out of nowhere and change those plans entirely in ways you never dreamed of. And Ive decided that when people ask what Im doing, or what I want to do, Ill just respond with an adverb, like "Profoundly," or "Craftily." Then they will scratch their heads in Zen confusion, and maybe even grow from the experience.
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